Cheers to That

I'm trying my hardest to organize these feelings I'm currently experiencing. They're so mixed, so jumbled, so chaotic. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Or maybe I'm just not used to having so many feelings. The past few weeks--actually, the past few months--have been amazing. That's probably an understatement, but definitely amazing, for the lack of a better word. I'm starting to think that I may have some unresolved feelings, or maybe some that haven't been explored fully. I've been harboring these feelings for a while now. This probably sounds bad, but it isn't. I guess you can say I haven't felt in a while. I've been letting myself feel apprehensive and hesitant rather than allowing myself to indulge in feelings of happiness, excitement, or love in a while. It isn't often that these types of feelings come around, so I think it's vital for me to let myself fall into all of that. No more being numb. With that being said, I'm going to let myself cry, laugh, be happy, and love. Hard. Like I never have before. And that, all of that, is okay.

Things I'll Never Say

Don't you hate that part? The part after talking, debating, or, the worst, arguing, where you're walking away and you suddenly think to yourself, "Fuck. I should've said that!" But then you sometimes you say the exact opposite, "Why the fuck did I say that?" But when you finally simmer down and tally up the two, you come to find that the Should'ves outweigh the Shouldn't Haves. It happens to me all the time. I hate that, but I've learned to hold my tongue so well in certain situations. I've also learned not to regret shit. Why worry about what should've been and what could now be when you have what you have? I mean should be glad to even have what you have in your possession. Surely whatever you've got wasn't easy to obtain. You're probably wondering what this is about. Well, I'll keep the names censored by using pronouns repetitively. (Even though I know it'll be easy to identify who this "she" "her" and "you" are) That's your fair warning. So I decided to discuss Thanksgiving with her. She basically flipped out as usual, claiming that blah blah blah is tradition when in reality it's only been going on about 2 years, and went on to talk shit. Talk shit. I think that's probably something I hate. A lot. Especially when it comes to my family. Why do you have to open your mouth to say selfish, empty words when you could choose not to say anything? This is where you weigh out the circumstances of the situation--you weigh out the pros and cons of what you may say, what reaction you may receive, and what the ultimate outcome will be. And may I add that you must do all of this in a split second. I guess this is where you decide whether or not to hold your tongue. I decided to hold mine because in simped to it. I don't want to place myself in a situation that I don't want to be in. Then again, I don't think the situation I'm in doesn't really benefit me either. But then again how about all those times when you threatened to take my family away from me by cancellkng my birthday, our traditional Christmas gathering and New Year's?! You don't knkw how much that hurts and how that stays with me. Family is important to me. It doesn't matter to me that my family is split in half, and that I have to travel near and far all in one day. But for you to tell me what should be important to me is another story. Yes, you are who you are to me, but who said that I can't make decisions on my own regarding my values? You threatened to take my family away fr'd understand if you told me it would be impractical to go from West Covina to Glendale, back to West Covina, and then Murrieta back to West Covina. But that isn't what you said I won't even say what you say because I think it's ridiculous. You're giving me reasons that only justify why you no longer call them family. But why do we have to suffer losing family just because of your lost relationship? None of it makes any sense to me. I looked at this from every aspect possible, but the conclusions remains the same: You're being selfish and narrow minded. If the situation was turned around, I'm sure you'd feel differently becauseur favor. Like I said, selfish and narrow minded. It's just so saddening the way you talk about our family. The saddest thing about it is that you won't change. You're set in your ways. So why did I hate that part this time? Well, I wanted to tell you that family is important to me. And I could swear you taught me that. But I guess that just goes with all the other things I'll never say.

Making Moves

I'm writing this as all my feelings are still rushing wildly through my veins.  It's 10:43. This is intense. Too fresh. Too raw. I don't even want to read this after it's all down and posted. My heart is racing. Tachycardia at it's finest. I'm feeling so much. Maybe too much. And for some reason I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel so much right now. It's been a long time. And you're probably asking, what is this all about? And I'll tell you myself: I really, really don't know. I didn't hit rock bottom, nor did I hit a slum. Instead, I feel like my life is going somewhere.

Maybe I'm scared or something. Maybe I'm not ready. But I am ready. This is what I want ... In a sense. I mean, I never wanted to grow up so quickly. I just did it on my own. I wasn't forced. It can't be forced. I chose to grow up. And I'm now realizing why. In high school, maybe even junior high, I didn't really have a close-knit group of friends. Instead, I had various groups of friends consisting of a variety of different people with different interests. What I really had was my family. I never really went out. I never did what kids would do. I sheltered myself from everything, tucked myself away. I don't want to blame my parents for that. But I guess it was me. I never really felt like I could relate to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel like an outcast. I just felt like I was different. I'm not being narcissistic either. I'm being serious. My head was always somewhere else. It was always at home. My mind was constantly worrying. From what I remember, I was always, for the lack of a better word, anxious. That's most likely what lead me to some of my medical issues back in high school. I was always thinking about if my family was okay. I was always trying to be a good example to not only my siblings but to all the younger kids in my family. I still don't know if my efforts had any effect on them, but it was worth a try.

I guess that's what I've been getting so worked up about the past few days. I made my world revolve solely around my parents, my brother, my sister, my grandpa, and my close extended family which I'd really rather call my immediate family. I always worry about the well-being of my family. I always put them before me. Before I can do anything for myself, I do what I can for them. That's just how I've always been. Before I can even get my day started, I get myself ready so that I can get them ready. I remember in high school, I chose not to apply to any UCs and not that many CSUs. I knew that if I got accepted to a UC, I would have left. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be here for my family. Maybe I knew things were going to turn out the way they did. My parents' marriage fell out, my grandpa passed away from a short, fatal battle with cancer, my siblings gave into social norms, my relationship with someone I cared deeply about became a mess that I still rather not talk about, and my family was in a silent war of blaming. Maybe that's why I stayed. But no matter the reason, what it comes down to is that I stayed on behalf of my family. I always stay. I stay the same, I stay away, I try to stay up.

I think I'll always be this way. I'll always love hard. I'll always love deeply. I've never loved shallowly. I've never loved lightly. I don't think I'll ever start. This love I'm talking about applies to both the love I have for my family and friends as well as the love I have for my significant other. I love my brother and sister a lot. They're my world. I literally structure my day, my week, my month, my year, my life around them. And what's funny about this is that all of this is done voluntarily and consciously. My heart ached earlier today when I thought about my siblings and about where their lives are going. They're both growing up. My sister is in college now. She's driving. She's having relationships. She's enjoying life. My brother is a sophomore in high school. He's an athlete. He's a popular kid. He's being a boy. He's a good boyfriend. I love them so much. So much that I'm crying. My heart's been crying about this for a while now, but it has finally alerted my central nervous system, activated my tear ducts, and flowed out of my eyes. My heart aches thinking about the day that we have to separate and be adults. It hurts to think that we will all be living in different houses with families of our own.

My concern is that my siblings don't know what they're getting themselves into. Their mindset isn't where mine was at their ages. They don't understand responsibility, respect, and communication. I plan on doing big things within the next few years. I'm going to (not in any particular order) go back to school, build my career, move out, find "the one", make a living, go back to school again, travel, settle down, get married, have a family. I can't keep putting my life on hold when I'm ready because everyone else isn't ready. It's my time to move on with my life. It's time to loosen my grasp off of the things that kept me staying. It's time to grow up again. This time not only for me, but for my siblings too. They've chosen this lifestyle that differs greatly from mine. Though we live under the same roof, share the same parents, come from the same womb, we differ significantly. Everyone knows that. I hope that they soon learn how important family is. I hope that they understand my love for them and my parents' love for them. I hope that they realize that my concerns aren't me just being a bossy older sister. I hope they realize all the things I gave up so that I could be a good example to them. I hope they begin to see how much it hurts me to worry if they'll ever grow out of their habits. I hope they realize that our parents are separated, that they're getting older, that they aren't who they used to be, and that they need them more than anything. I hope they realize that I've been trying to teach them how to grow up. But growing up can't be forced. It's a choice.

We want it when we don't have it,we have it when we don't want it.

Every damn time.

Unstoppable

So it's official; I passed Term 2! This means that 6 months have gone by, and 6 months remain before I graduate and take the NCLEX. Life feels so amazing right now. I never usually get a chance to reflect on what's happened in my life. It's weird. In some way, I guess I'm just going with the flows, not worrying about what comes and goes in my life. I haven't felt the need to dwell on things nor have I had the feeling of regret. I've learned that life is just too short to be spending it sweating the little shit and mishaps that cloud my life every once in a while. As of lately, I've been happy. Isn't it beautiful to finally find something that makes you happy? I find myself not minding the need to study. I've found myself almost indulging in those thick, hard bound books full of medical terminology and information that will guide me through my career. I've got big plans. I now realize that I have so much potential and so much passion for what I do. I will do nothing less than do it big! I can't wait to get into the field where I can touch people's lives and heal them--maybe not physically, but at least mentally. I'll be able to help others feel content with their lives and their health--I'll be able to help them come to terms with where their lives are heading. I know that things won't always be that way, but hey, what's wrong with being hopeful?

I'll update more when I have some time. I'm going out for some yogurt now!