I always used to say
"Relationships should compliment,
Instead of complicate, your life."
I always used to say
"A boyfriend should be an inspiration,
Not a distraction."
I always used to say
"You have to love yourself
Before loving anyone else."
I always used to say
"You gotta have respect for yourself
Or else no one's gonna respect you."
I used to say.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Devour this
Who is it we
feel sorry
for.
Is it us or
them who we
adore.
Look but only
get a quick
peak.
Like a glance
at a female's
physique.
Only the surface
is touched,
revealed.
Rest hides
deep under
shields.
To breech this
layer, we're
scared.
Not wanting secrets
to be
shared.
In the meantime
just take a
look.
But be weary, you're
not reading a
book.
Or take the road
none take for
flight.
Bear down, sink
in, take a
bite.
feel sorry
for.
Is it us or
them who we
adore.
Look but only
get a quick
peak.
Like a glance
at a female's
physique.
Only the surface
is touched,
revealed.
Rest hides
deep under
shields.
To breech this
layer, we're
scared.
Not wanting secrets
to be
shared.
In the meantime
just take a
look.
But be weary, you're
not reading a
book.
Or take the road
none take for
flight.
Bear down, sink
in, take a
bite.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sometimes it lasts
SO here's my current situation: I'm supposed to be writing a one page essay on the lack of a certain nutritional group in my daily diet for my nursing class, but I just can't seem to focus. One page? I know. This is ridiculous. For the past few hours, I've been thinking about my life. I'm not the type to lay out my entire personal life on the internet for the judgmental and nosy public to over-analyze, twist, and ignore. However, this right here is different. This is going to be a reflection of my life as of late and a tribute to the things and people I care about and appreciate.
I started school in mid August. And let me tell you... I fucking love it! School is my thing. Yeah, I'm a nerd and proud of it! Haha, it took me two years to realize that traditional college just wasn't working out for me. School is full-time for me now. Accelerated. Exciting. New! It feels great except for how I haven't been working very much. I seriously miss working! I miss my dope ass coworkers, making money and being able to somewhat support myself financially. BUT one year will go by like nothing and sooner or later I won't be working at the mall anymore. I can't wait! I've been doing great in school too. I have a 95% in my class overall. I've been scoring 90% and above on all my exams, completing all of my homework assignments, learning so much in Skills, and enjoying Clinicals. The love and support from my family, Godfrey, my instructors and my friends have gotten me through 1.5 months of school. I couldn't be any more thankful for these wonderful people. Without them, I'd probably end up being a patient instead of a nurse. Hahaha, half-kidding.
I believe in signs. White butterflies, your name being said on TV or by someone randomly, the smell of your cologne lingering... There have been a lot of signs lately that have been pointing to you. I've been reminded of you so much lately. It's insane. I feel insane. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I hope you're doing well. I hope wherever you're at is where you want to be. 'Till we meet again.
I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. There are a lot of things about my dad that I love. Like how he used to play the Jackson 5 Christmas album every year on the morning of my birthday and on the following day, Christmas. At the same time, there are also things he has done and continues to do that I will never approve of. Like many of the men I have encountered in my life, my father is a man of little to no expression of emotion and is a man who lacks proper communication. He is stoic. He's prideful. Out of me and my siblings, I'm the most withdrawn and apathetic about/towards my dad. I guess it has a lot to do with what I believed when I was growing up. I believed that my parents' relationship was ideal and nearly perfect. They seemed like soulmates, inseparable despite previous relationships and ongoing problems. But what happens once a certain point is met? When the sudden realization of the lack of reciprocated effort is just too obvious to ignore? When feelings change and love is lost? All of that brings us to where we are now. I forced myself to grow up fast and early a long time ago. I was exposed to financial, trust, and communication complications. With that, I brought myself right between my parents. I have always been their mediator, reffing fights, being the one they'd come to separately to discuss their problems with each another. I love my mother and respect that roles she has taken on since my dad left, but my dad's always stressed out about paying bills, working, and trying to see us. Like really, how am I supposed to feel when I call my dad to see how he's doing and where he's been just to hear that he always feels lonely and depressed? What daughter wants to hear that? It kills me because I'm away from him most of the time. I can't watch over him, feed him right, or make him happy anymore. He's always been fine on his own, but he's older now. He gets stressed out over everything. He gets sick more often. He gets lonely easily. That kills me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate the little time that I get to spend with him. Despite how I despised him and scolded him for the mistakes he made, and the precious hearts he broke, these random phone calls to go out for dinner have made me realize how much I miss and appreciate him. I may rarely express my feelings about him and almost never talk about him, but for the record, I care. Just like him, it's the pride.
I am a mother, father, sister, brother and best friend to my brother and sister. Trust me, I am no where near perfect in trying to accommodate any of these roles, but I never think twice about the importance of the roles I play for my brother and sister. They mean the world to me. They're kids of my own, even my mom says so. Though a lot of people think that having to take care of two teenagers and having to tend to the majority of their needs and wants is difficult and tedious, I see it as more of an honor and rewarding responsibility. I mean think about it... I get to watch these two beautiful kids grow up into responsible, hopefully happy adults. There's so much beauty in that. I have a lot of responsibilities and things on my plate on the daily, so I honestly tend to forget that I am a kid too. I'm almost 21, in nursing school, working when I can, and taking care of my family, but that doesn't mean that I always have to be a grown up. This is where my brother and sister come in. They really bring out the life in me. They keep me going. They inspire me to be a good role model for them. There aren't many things more beautiful than being inspired by someone, so I'm blessed to have that kind of relationship with them.
As fucked up as the world is, I have found so much beauty in it. I could care less for those who don't give a damn about me. I feel nothing for those who don't give me a second look. But the people who genuinely care about me, double take at me, and walk beside me... those are the people who matter to me.
I've met tons of people. Some walk in just to walk out while some check in for a permanent stay. Whether these people are temporary, intermittent or permanent, they have all impacted me in someway. I've lost a lot of people along the way for different reasons. I've met extraordinary people who care about me despite what I may put them through. I've met people who I can spill my heart and mind to without any judgment or hesitation. I've fallen in love with people and their personalities. I've been treated with kindness by the most unexpected people. I've made friends, I've made enemies. I've been done wrong and I've had my share of wrongs done. I've disliked and I've loved hard. God has blessed me with wonderful people. You know who you are.
I started school in mid August. And let me tell you... I fucking love it! School is my thing. Yeah, I'm a nerd and proud of it! Haha, it took me two years to realize that traditional college just wasn't working out for me. School is full-time for me now. Accelerated. Exciting. New! It feels great except for how I haven't been working very much. I seriously miss working! I miss my dope ass coworkers, making money and being able to somewhat support myself financially. BUT one year will go by like nothing and sooner or later I won't be working at the mall anymore. I can't wait! I've been doing great in school too. I have a 95% in my class overall. I've been scoring 90% and above on all my exams, completing all of my homework assignments, learning so much in Skills, and enjoying Clinicals. The love and support from my family, Godfrey, my instructors and my friends have gotten me through 1.5 months of school. I couldn't be any more thankful for these wonderful people. Without them, I'd probably end up being a patient instead of a nurse. Hahaha, half-kidding.
I believe in signs. White butterflies, your name being said on TV or by someone randomly, the smell of your cologne lingering... There have been a lot of signs lately that have been pointing to you. I've been reminded of you so much lately. It's insane. I feel insane. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I hope you're doing well. I hope wherever you're at is where you want to be. 'Till we meet again.
I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. There are a lot of things about my dad that I love. Like how he used to play the Jackson 5 Christmas album every year on the morning of my birthday and on the following day, Christmas. At the same time, there are also things he has done and continues to do that I will never approve of. Like many of the men I have encountered in my life, my father is a man of little to no expression of emotion and is a man who lacks proper communication. He is stoic. He's prideful. Out of me and my siblings, I'm the most withdrawn and apathetic about/towards my dad. I guess it has a lot to do with what I believed when I was growing up. I believed that my parents' relationship was ideal and nearly perfect. They seemed like soulmates, inseparable despite previous relationships and ongoing problems. But what happens once a certain point is met? When the sudden realization of the lack of reciprocated effort is just too obvious to ignore? When feelings change and love is lost? All of that brings us to where we are now. I forced myself to grow up fast and early a long time ago. I was exposed to financial, trust, and communication complications. With that, I brought myself right between my parents. I have always been their mediator, reffing fights, being the one they'd come to separately to discuss their problems with each another. I love my mother and respect that roles she has taken on since my dad left, but my dad's always stressed out about paying bills, working, and trying to see us. Like really, how am I supposed to feel when I call my dad to see how he's doing and where he's been just to hear that he always feels lonely and depressed? What daughter wants to hear that? It kills me because I'm away from him most of the time. I can't watch over him, feed him right, or make him happy anymore. He's always been fine on his own, but he's older now. He gets stressed out over everything. He gets sick more often. He gets lonely easily. That kills me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate the little time that I get to spend with him. Despite how I despised him and scolded him for the mistakes he made, and the precious hearts he broke, these random phone calls to go out for dinner have made me realize how much I miss and appreciate him. I may rarely express my feelings about him and almost never talk about him, but for the record, I care. Just like him, it's the pride.
I am a mother, father, sister, brother and best friend to my brother and sister. Trust me, I am no where near perfect in trying to accommodate any of these roles, but I never think twice about the importance of the roles I play for my brother and sister. They mean the world to me. They're kids of my own, even my mom says so. Though a lot of people think that having to take care of two teenagers and having to tend to the majority of their needs and wants is difficult and tedious, I see it as more of an honor and rewarding responsibility. I mean think about it... I get to watch these two beautiful kids grow up into responsible, hopefully happy adults. There's so much beauty in that. I have a lot of responsibilities and things on my plate on the daily, so I honestly tend to forget that I am a kid too. I'm almost 21, in nursing school, working when I can, and taking care of my family, but that doesn't mean that I always have to be a grown up. This is where my brother and sister come in. They really bring out the life in me. They keep me going. They inspire me to be a good role model for them. There aren't many things more beautiful than being inspired by someone, so I'm blessed to have that kind of relationship with them.
As fucked up as the world is, I have found so much beauty in it. I could care less for those who don't give a damn about me. I feel nothing for those who don't give me a second look. But the people who genuinely care about me, double take at me, and walk beside me... those are the people who matter to me.
I've met tons of people. Some walk in just to walk out while some check in for a permanent stay. Whether these people are temporary, intermittent or permanent, they have all impacted me in someway. I've lost a lot of people along the way for different reasons. I've met extraordinary people who care about me despite what I may put them through. I've met people who I can spill my heart and mind to without any judgment or hesitation. I've fallen in love with people and their personalities. I've been treated with kindness by the most unexpected people. I've made friends, I've made enemies. I've been done wrong and I've had my share of wrongs done. I've disliked and I've loved hard. God has blessed me with wonderful people. You know who you are.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Unfinished
Oh the irony of the girl who stays with the guy who is the safe choice. The guy who may not treat her like a queen, yet she settles. She becomes accustomed to everything so that it begins to seem normal. But it isn't. It just isn't. Meanwhile, a match that is different yet just as perfect comes along, and she just brushes it off. She doesn't want to take the risk because she's thinking. Thinking. Fuck thinking. She thinks that she won't find someone like who she's got. She thinks there's no one else out there for her because it's been so long. This is all she's known. She thinks that this fool treats her like she's the only one for him. But she isn't. There's always something else. Someone else. But she stays. She knows it's scary out there. So let's just take the safe route. Why risk everything that is already established? Everything that's good and well? Stray away? She never strays.
She holds it down.
Until she finds her way.
She holds it down.
Until she finds her way.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Shame
Although I'm easily amused and intrigued, I get bored of things easily.
Things right now are sadly routine-like. I wake up at 7AM M-F to drop my brother off at school, come home, bring my sister to school, get ready for work or school, eat, go to work or school, study, hang out, pick the kids up, take the kids out for dinner, etc. Friday through Sunday always varies though, but those days basically consist of the following events: work, spending time with Godfrey, going to church, staying in, having alone time, watching movies, hanging out with Leah, attempting to spend time with my siblings but finding them spending time with their significant others, being bored.
You would think living life this way would be so easy, but it isn't. Not for me at least. I guess I want more for one. Just this once. I need a tease, a twist to my life, an event that's uncalled for, a new school, a new hobby, new friends, a new environment, a serendipitous encounter with someone new, something new. I guess that's what it is. I'm in need of something new.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
myself explained
Leaning on someone
for them to slip
away
from under
when you least
expect it.
You
in their hands
broken, fixed,
in process of
repair.
Let them tie your
laces into
knots
to trip, stumble
fall down.
Open the door
let them in for
what
to start at
square one.
Where is that
at the
beginning
with nothing, no one
alone.
In solitude
free to just
run
away, just run
far away.
It's for the
very best I'm
sure
not to
let anyone in.
Keep doors closed
heart stay
true
to this way
I am.
for them to slip
away
from under
when you least
expect it.
You
in their hands
broken, fixed,
in process of
repair.
Let them tie your
laces into
knots
to trip, stumble
fall down.
Open the door
let them in for
what
to start at
square one.
Where is that
at the
beginning
with nothing, no one
alone.
In solitude
free to just
run
away, just run
far away.
It's for the
very best I'm
sure
not to
let anyone in.
Keep doors closed
heart stay
true
to this way
I am.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I'm Losing My Mind
There are a lot of things I want to say, but I can't seem to find the strength to let my thoughts drain from my mind, through my veins, down my arms, out of my fingertips, onto the keyboard and into this little box I'm writing in. There's too much going on.
I changed my mindset from the last few times I wrote in this blog. Things definitely are not the same. I have found a way to stop feeling. I decided to stop feeling so damn much. I wanted to stop being so goddamn emotional and shit. Now that I look back at what has happened in the past year, fuck the new mindset. Seriously. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is not having feelings? Not allowing yourself to feel? I've been given hands to touch, to grab, to feel. Ears to listen, to close, to open. Eyes to see, observe, cry. A nose to smell, to sniffle. A heart to live and love. A brain to think, understand, and have a fucking mind of my own. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Think whatever the fuck I want. Feel whatever the fuck I want. THIS is what I want. I'm tired of suppressing my feelings for the sake of another. I'm tired of compromising and some times giving in. This shit is getting ridiculous. I can't stand this shit anymore.
To those who get into relationships for what ever fucking reason--whether it is to get to know someone with hopes to get to know them well enough to get into their pants, to chase after a fucking thrill without intentions of having a genuine relationship, or to relieve yourself of the pitiful life you live through ruining the life of another without any fucking emotional bond whatesoever--I'd like to send you a big ass FUCK YOU. Seriously fuck you and your selfish ways. I am so fucking sick of the mistreatment and injustice that I witness from day to day. I am so sick of seeing people, girls AND guys, getting hurt in some way everyday. I'm so sick of the selfishness that mankind has surfaced so disgustingly. All of this. This is all magnified right now. I sat in the backseat and kept my fucking mouth shut for way too long. That is not me. That's not who I am. I am damn tired of the things I see. To end all of that bullshit, I am taking it upon myself to look for the right things. I am going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to keep what makes me happy. And I'm going to be fucking happy.
All you assholes who fuck people over. Go fuck yourself. One day you're monogamous, the next day you're fucking whoever, whenever. The next day you're monogamous again. But now you're just a big fucking liar. And now where the fuck are you? You're in a deep stinky hole full of shit! That's right. And where do we go from here?! Why the fuck do people do these things? WHY? Some people say they love you. They say they love you more than anything in the world. Maybe even the whole universe. They love you more than those who have been there since they were born. They say that they love you to death. Do you know what that means? That means "til death do us part". That means, "I care about you enough to know that you are the one for me." You know what THAT means? That means that "I will protect you, your body, your heart, your mind, your health. Everything that comes with you. All of you." THAT means that you care enough to maybe embarrass yourself. You care enough to walk out on a limb to explain your dark past in hopes to start a bright future. You are willing to put yourself out there in order to make the damn relationship work! If you can't do that. Don't get involved. It just wouldn't be fair. Can't put in your share? Save us all the sob story. Save us from the tears, the nights of endless conversations over the phone, the rendez-vous that end in a fight instead of in each other's arms.
And that, all of that up there, brought me to that apathetic, "stop feeling" mindset.
I lost it.
I changed my mindset from the last few times I wrote in this blog. Things definitely are not the same. I have found a way to stop feeling. I decided to stop feeling so damn much. I wanted to stop being so goddamn emotional and shit. Now that I look back at what has happened in the past year, fuck the new mindset. Seriously. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is not having feelings? Not allowing yourself to feel? I've been given hands to touch, to grab, to feel. Ears to listen, to close, to open. Eyes to see, observe, cry. A nose to smell, to sniffle. A heart to live and love. A brain to think, understand, and have a fucking mind of my own. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Think whatever the fuck I want. Feel whatever the fuck I want. THIS is what I want. I'm tired of suppressing my feelings for the sake of another. I'm tired of compromising and some times giving in. This shit is getting ridiculous. I can't stand this shit anymore.
To those who get into relationships for what ever fucking reason--whether it is to get to know someone with hopes to get to know them well enough to get into their pants, to chase after a fucking thrill without intentions of having a genuine relationship, or to relieve yourself of the pitiful life you live through ruining the life of another without any fucking emotional bond whatesoever--I'd like to send you a big ass FUCK YOU. Seriously fuck you and your selfish ways. I am so fucking sick of the mistreatment and injustice that I witness from day to day. I am so sick of seeing people, girls AND guys, getting hurt in some way everyday. I'm so sick of the selfishness that mankind has surfaced so disgustingly. All of this. This is all magnified right now. I sat in the backseat and kept my fucking mouth shut for way too long. That is not me. That's not who I am. I am damn tired of the things I see. To end all of that bullshit, I am taking it upon myself to look for the right things. I am going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to keep what makes me happy. And I'm going to be fucking happy.
All you assholes who fuck people over. Go fuck yourself. One day you're monogamous, the next day you're fucking whoever, whenever. The next day you're monogamous again. But now you're just a big fucking liar. And now where the fuck are you? You're in a deep stinky hole full of shit! That's right. And where do we go from here?! Why the fuck do people do these things? WHY? Some people say they love you. They say they love you more than anything in the world. Maybe even the whole universe. They love you more than those who have been there since they were born. They say that they love you to death. Do you know what that means? That means "til death do us part". That means, "I care about you enough to know that you are the one for me." You know what THAT means? That means that "I will protect you, your body, your heart, your mind, your health. Everything that comes with you. All of you." THAT means that you care enough to maybe embarrass yourself. You care enough to walk out on a limb to explain your dark past in hopes to start a bright future. You are willing to put yourself out there in order to make the damn relationship work! If you can't do that. Don't get involved. It just wouldn't be fair. Can't put in your share? Save us all the sob story. Save us from the tears, the nights of endless conversations over the phone, the rendez-vous that end in a fight instead of in each other's arms.
And that, all of that up there, brought me to that apathetic, "stop feeling" mindset.
I lost it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
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