Who is it we
feel sorry
for.
Is it us or
them who we
adore.
Look but only
get a quick
peak.
Like a glance
at a female's
physique.
Only the surface
is touched,
revealed.
Rest hides
deep under
shields.
To breech this
layer, we're
scared.
Not wanting secrets
to be
shared.
In the meantime
just take a
look.
But be weary, you're
not reading a
book.
Or take the road
none take for
flight.
Bear down, sink
in, take a
bite.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sometimes it lasts
SO here's my current situation: I'm supposed to be writing a one page essay on the lack of a certain nutritional group in my daily diet for my nursing class, but I just can't seem to focus. One page? I know. This is ridiculous. For the past few hours, I've been thinking about my life. I'm not the type to lay out my entire personal life on the internet for the judgmental and nosy public to over-analyze, twist, and ignore. However, this right here is different. This is going to be a reflection of my life as of late and a tribute to the things and people I care about and appreciate.
I started school in mid August. And let me tell you... I fucking love it! School is my thing. Yeah, I'm a nerd and proud of it! Haha, it took me two years to realize that traditional college just wasn't working out for me. School is full-time for me now. Accelerated. Exciting. New! It feels great except for how I haven't been working very much. I seriously miss working! I miss my dope ass coworkers, making money and being able to somewhat support myself financially. BUT one year will go by like nothing and sooner or later I won't be working at the mall anymore. I can't wait! I've been doing great in school too. I have a 95% in my class overall. I've been scoring 90% and above on all my exams, completing all of my homework assignments, learning so much in Skills, and enjoying Clinicals. The love and support from my family, Godfrey, my instructors and my friends have gotten me through 1.5 months of school. I couldn't be any more thankful for these wonderful people. Without them, I'd probably end up being a patient instead of a nurse. Hahaha, half-kidding.
I believe in signs. White butterflies, your name being said on TV or by someone randomly, the smell of your cologne lingering... There have been a lot of signs lately that have been pointing to you. I've been reminded of you so much lately. It's insane. I feel insane. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I hope you're doing well. I hope wherever you're at is where you want to be. 'Till we meet again.
I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. There are a lot of things about my dad that I love. Like how he used to play the Jackson 5 Christmas album every year on the morning of my birthday and on the following day, Christmas. At the same time, there are also things he has done and continues to do that I will never approve of. Like many of the men I have encountered in my life, my father is a man of little to no expression of emotion and is a man who lacks proper communication. He is stoic. He's prideful. Out of me and my siblings, I'm the most withdrawn and apathetic about/towards my dad. I guess it has a lot to do with what I believed when I was growing up. I believed that my parents' relationship was ideal and nearly perfect. They seemed like soulmates, inseparable despite previous relationships and ongoing problems. But what happens once a certain point is met? When the sudden realization of the lack of reciprocated effort is just too obvious to ignore? When feelings change and love is lost? All of that brings us to where we are now. I forced myself to grow up fast and early a long time ago. I was exposed to financial, trust, and communication complications. With that, I brought myself right between my parents. I have always been their mediator, reffing fights, being the one they'd come to separately to discuss their problems with each another. I love my mother and respect that roles she has taken on since my dad left, but my dad's always stressed out about paying bills, working, and trying to see us. Like really, how am I supposed to feel when I call my dad to see how he's doing and where he's been just to hear that he always feels lonely and depressed? What daughter wants to hear that? It kills me because I'm away from him most of the time. I can't watch over him, feed him right, or make him happy anymore. He's always been fine on his own, but he's older now. He gets stressed out over everything. He gets sick more often. He gets lonely easily. That kills me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate the little time that I get to spend with him. Despite how I despised him and scolded him for the mistakes he made, and the precious hearts he broke, these random phone calls to go out for dinner have made me realize how much I miss and appreciate him. I may rarely express my feelings about him and almost never talk about him, but for the record, I care. Just like him, it's the pride.
I am a mother, father, sister, brother and best friend to my brother and sister. Trust me, I am no where near perfect in trying to accommodate any of these roles, but I never think twice about the importance of the roles I play for my brother and sister. They mean the world to me. They're kids of my own, even my mom says so. Though a lot of people think that having to take care of two teenagers and having to tend to the majority of their needs and wants is difficult and tedious, I see it as more of an honor and rewarding responsibility. I mean think about it... I get to watch these two beautiful kids grow up into responsible, hopefully happy adults. There's so much beauty in that. I have a lot of responsibilities and things on my plate on the daily, so I honestly tend to forget that I am a kid too. I'm almost 21, in nursing school, working when I can, and taking care of my family, but that doesn't mean that I always have to be a grown up. This is where my brother and sister come in. They really bring out the life in me. They keep me going. They inspire me to be a good role model for them. There aren't many things more beautiful than being inspired by someone, so I'm blessed to have that kind of relationship with them.
As fucked up as the world is, I have found so much beauty in it. I could care less for those who don't give a damn about me. I feel nothing for those who don't give me a second look. But the people who genuinely care about me, double take at me, and walk beside me... those are the people who matter to me.
I've met tons of people. Some walk in just to walk out while some check in for a permanent stay. Whether these people are temporary, intermittent or permanent, they have all impacted me in someway. I've lost a lot of people along the way for different reasons. I've met extraordinary people who care about me despite what I may put them through. I've met people who I can spill my heart and mind to without any judgment or hesitation. I've fallen in love with people and their personalities. I've been treated with kindness by the most unexpected people. I've made friends, I've made enemies. I've been done wrong and I've had my share of wrongs done. I've disliked and I've loved hard. God has blessed me with wonderful people. You know who you are.
I started school in mid August. And let me tell you... I fucking love it! School is my thing. Yeah, I'm a nerd and proud of it! Haha, it took me two years to realize that traditional college just wasn't working out for me. School is full-time for me now. Accelerated. Exciting. New! It feels great except for how I haven't been working very much. I seriously miss working! I miss my dope ass coworkers, making money and being able to somewhat support myself financially. BUT one year will go by like nothing and sooner or later I won't be working at the mall anymore. I can't wait! I've been doing great in school too. I have a 95% in my class overall. I've been scoring 90% and above on all my exams, completing all of my homework assignments, learning so much in Skills, and enjoying Clinicals. The love and support from my family, Godfrey, my instructors and my friends have gotten me through 1.5 months of school. I couldn't be any more thankful for these wonderful people. Without them, I'd probably end up being a patient instead of a nurse. Hahaha, half-kidding.
I believe in signs. White butterflies, your name being said on TV or by someone randomly, the smell of your cologne lingering... There have been a lot of signs lately that have been pointing to you. I've been reminded of you so much lately. It's insane. I feel insane. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I hope you're doing well. I hope wherever you're at is where you want to be. 'Till we meet again.
I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. There are a lot of things about my dad that I love. Like how he used to play the Jackson 5 Christmas album every year on the morning of my birthday and on the following day, Christmas. At the same time, there are also things he has done and continues to do that I will never approve of. Like many of the men I have encountered in my life, my father is a man of little to no expression of emotion and is a man who lacks proper communication. He is stoic. He's prideful. Out of me and my siblings, I'm the most withdrawn and apathetic about/towards my dad. I guess it has a lot to do with what I believed when I was growing up. I believed that my parents' relationship was ideal and nearly perfect. They seemed like soulmates, inseparable despite previous relationships and ongoing problems. But what happens once a certain point is met? When the sudden realization of the lack of reciprocated effort is just too obvious to ignore? When feelings change and love is lost? All of that brings us to where we are now. I forced myself to grow up fast and early a long time ago. I was exposed to financial, trust, and communication complications. With that, I brought myself right between my parents. I have always been their mediator, reffing fights, being the one they'd come to separately to discuss their problems with each another. I love my mother and respect that roles she has taken on since my dad left, but my dad's always stressed out about paying bills, working, and trying to see us. Like really, how am I supposed to feel when I call my dad to see how he's doing and where he's been just to hear that he always feels lonely and depressed? What daughter wants to hear that? It kills me because I'm away from him most of the time. I can't watch over him, feed him right, or make him happy anymore. He's always been fine on his own, but he's older now. He gets stressed out over everything. He gets sick more often. He gets lonely easily. That kills me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate the little time that I get to spend with him. Despite how I despised him and scolded him for the mistakes he made, and the precious hearts he broke, these random phone calls to go out for dinner have made me realize how much I miss and appreciate him. I may rarely express my feelings about him and almost never talk about him, but for the record, I care. Just like him, it's the pride.
I am a mother, father, sister, brother and best friend to my brother and sister. Trust me, I am no where near perfect in trying to accommodate any of these roles, but I never think twice about the importance of the roles I play for my brother and sister. They mean the world to me. They're kids of my own, even my mom says so. Though a lot of people think that having to take care of two teenagers and having to tend to the majority of their needs and wants is difficult and tedious, I see it as more of an honor and rewarding responsibility. I mean think about it... I get to watch these two beautiful kids grow up into responsible, hopefully happy adults. There's so much beauty in that. I have a lot of responsibilities and things on my plate on the daily, so I honestly tend to forget that I am a kid too. I'm almost 21, in nursing school, working when I can, and taking care of my family, but that doesn't mean that I always have to be a grown up. This is where my brother and sister come in. They really bring out the life in me. They keep me going. They inspire me to be a good role model for them. There aren't many things more beautiful than being inspired by someone, so I'm blessed to have that kind of relationship with them.
As fucked up as the world is, I have found so much beauty in it. I could care less for those who don't give a damn about me. I feel nothing for those who don't give me a second look. But the people who genuinely care about me, double take at me, and walk beside me... those are the people who matter to me.
I've met tons of people. Some walk in just to walk out while some check in for a permanent stay. Whether these people are temporary, intermittent or permanent, they have all impacted me in someway. I've lost a lot of people along the way for different reasons. I've met extraordinary people who care about me despite what I may put them through. I've met people who I can spill my heart and mind to without any judgment or hesitation. I've fallen in love with people and their personalities. I've been treated with kindness by the most unexpected people. I've made friends, I've made enemies. I've been done wrong and I've had my share of wrongs done. I've disliked and I've loved hard. God has blessed me with wonderful people. You know who you are.
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