I'm Losing My Mind

There are a lot of things I want to say, but I can't seem to find the strength to let my thoughts drain from my mind, through my veins, down my arms, out of my fingertips, onto the keyboard and into this little box I'm writing in. There's too much going on.

I changed my mindset from the last few times I wrote in this blog. Things definitely are not the same. I have found a way to stop feeling. I decided to stop feeling so damn much. I wanted to stop being so goddamn emotional and shit. Now that I look back at what has happened in the past year, fuck the new mindset. Seriously. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is not having feelings? Not allowing yourself to feel? I've been given hands to touch, to grab, to feel. Ears to listen, to close, to open. Eyes to see, observe, cry. A nose to smell, to sniffle. A heart to live and love. A brain to think, understand, and have a fucking mind of my own. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Think whatever the fuck I want. Feel whatever the fuck I want. THIS is what I want. I'm tired of suppressing my feelings for the sake of another. I'm tired of compromising and some times giving in. This shit is getting ridiculous. I can't stand this shit anymore.

To those who get into relationships for what ever fucking reason--whether it is to get to know someone with hopes to get to know them well enough to get into their pants, to chase after a fucking thrill without intentions of having a genuine relationship, or to relieve yourself of the pitiful life you live through ruining the life of another without any fucking emotional bond whatesoever--I'd like to send you a big ass FUCK YOU. Seriously fuck you and your selfish ways. I am so fucking sick of the mistreatment and injustice that I witness from day to day. I am so sick of seeing people, girls AND guys, getting hurt in some way everyday. I'm so sick of the selfishness that mankind has surfaced so disgustingly. All of this. This is all magnified right now. I sat in the backseat and kept my fucking mouth shut for way too long. That is not me. That's not who I am. I am damn tired of the things I see. To end all of that bullshit, I am taking it upon myself to look for the right things. I am going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to keep what makes me happy. And I'm going to be fucking happy.

All you assholes who fuck people over. Go fuck yourself. One day you're monogamous, the next day you're fucking whoever, whenever. The next day you're monogamous again. But now you're just a big fucking liar. And now where the fuck are you? You're in a deep stinky hole full of shit! That's right. And where do we go from here?! Why the fuck do people do these things? WHY? Some people say they love you. They say they love you more than anything in the world. Maybe even the whole universe. They love you more than those who have been there since they were born. They say that they love you to death. Do you know what that means? That means "til death do us part". That means, "I care about you enough to know that you are the one for me." You know what THAT means? That means that "I will protect you, your body, your heart, your mind, your health. Everything that comes with you. All of you." THAT means that you care enough to maybe embarrass yourself. You care enough to walk out on a limb to explain your dark past in hopes to start a bright future. You are willing to put yourself out there in order to make the damn relationship work! If you can't do that. Don't get involved. It just wouldn't be fair. Can't put in your share? Save us all the sob story. Save us from the tears, the nights of endless conversations over the phone, the rendez-vous that end in a fight instead of in each other's arms.

And that, all of that up there, brought me to that apathetic, "stop feeling" mindset.

I lost it.