Listen

To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Important Note to My Readers: Blogger will contain my more personal thoughts as well as specifics. Tumblr, on the other hand will carry fun things and the more generalized side of issues.

Lately, I have found myself contemplating relationships (yet again)! I'm not a hopeless romantic. I am, however, in love with love, but only to a certain extent. The idealistic features of love interest me in some ways, but I conjure up my own types of love, ways of love, ways of loving. I love love in its entirety. It's beautiful and life changing. My point here is that, I don't care what anyone thinks. Yeah, maybe I may talk about love and relationships all over blogger and tumblr, but that's not what I'm all about. Love is just something beautifully complicated that I want to understand... That I want to learn and practice. That I want to perfect (in my own way, of course).

Thoughts:
1. I love the feeling of being appreciated.
2. I like witnessing progress and effort.
3. I admire a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.
4. I don't miss high school.
5. I miss singing.
6. I still love my family...
7. I love everything we are together.
8. Dreams Reality
9. He makes me happy, and that's all that matters.
10. Fuck the rest.

Harlen, my love

Exactly how it's written:

"This may bite me in the ass later, but I can't help but express the way I'm feeling.

Harlen, let me begin by saying thank you for being there. I know you're an inanimate object and that you provide me with no feedback whatsoever; however, I adore that you literally let my words and feelings soak into you... and permanently they stay. Thank you.

I would love to write in an organized fashion but my sense of organization and sanity have escaped me temporarily.
I absolutely love love. Love seems to be the only subject I can openly talk about. And by love I mean the good and the bad, the hurt and the laughter, the tears and the smiles, the cheating and the committing. I don't know why I am this way but I am.

Let me make a confession. There's only one person who knows absolutely everything worth knowing about me. I highly doubt that this person even knows that they're the only one. I'm unashamed and I feel okay with the fact that you know about everything. I wanted to start new, so here I am. New and ready.

I have to admit something else as well. I want to be appreciated. Simple "thanks" is all I need. I don't need some fancy present, a token of appreciation, or pay back. Appreciation and acknowledgment of efforts are all I want. I don't think that's very hard, now is it?

I love the feeling he gives me.
(Eh... unorganized!)

I just thought of Alicia Keys' Diary. 


Lay your head on my pillow,
here you can be yourself.


I won't tell your secrets,
your secrets are safe with me.
I will keep your secrets,
just think of me as the pages in your diary.


SO, I had a conversation with Godfrey last night that was intense in a some sense. I adore how we never argue; rather, we talk things out. I love it. Just saying...

I don't like playing games. I've played games, and I've been played. It's not exactly the most satisfying feeling in the world. To be honest, I'm disgusted by those who continue to play games and those who allow themselves to be played with. I may be referring to myself too when I say this, but wake the fuck up! You should never settle for less. Never, ever. Not in a thousand years. You are deserving.

I hate it when people are unappreciative and do not realize what they have until it's fucking gone. The thing that annoys me the most is this... From my own experiences, I have found that I seriously, honestly give my all when I'm in a relationship. I simply cannot help it and I refuse to lower my efforts EVEN WHEN the efforts are uneven. So my point here is, is that people do not fight for their significant other until they're nearly out of their very grasp. People take their loved one for granted and when all goes wrong, that is the wake up call. That is when these unappreciative, ignorant people get off their asses and begin the fight, when the battle has already been lost. It's a ridiculous concept, but that's the way it is. Fellas, you should always be fighting for your lady. She should never be taken for granted, nor should she be treated without respect. You need to keep her close, I'm telling you that now. If you don't show your appreciation through ordinary acts of thanks, such as oh I don't know... saying "Thank You," that's fucking low and so goddamn disrespectful. Grow some balls and say it. Say it like you mean it and mean it when you say it.

Ladies, treat him like a king. If he doesn't realize that you appreciate him and that you do so much for him, it's not worth it. I kind of just went against myself. Whatever. I'm just the type to keep showing my appreciation and to keep my man happy even though I may not be receiving the same treatment. For me, it's satisfaction. Satisfaction in knowing that I'M doing what I'm supposed to be doing. If he, on the other hand, does not realize these things... HE looks like the ass.

Another thing! Keep your man or woman pleased. Always. I think that this is one of the biggest reasons why people cheat. By pleased, I don't just mean physically, but emotionally and mentally. Physically... PLEASE HER. I'm sure you know where that's going. Emotionally... be there for her. Show her that you care. Show her the love that she needs and wants. Mentally... Give her confidence. Show her off. Make her feel good. Don't make things complicated. Keep her close. Don't let her out of your grasp. Don't put her down. Don't, just don't.

I don't know what else to say right now.
I really don't know where I've gone with this journal entry, but I'm glad I wrote it.
I feel a lot better now, thanks Harlen.

Fondly, with all my love,
Lalique Kae Gangcuangco"

Please

Don't get the wrong idea.

Valerie,
Hope all is well. From what I've heard, you're happy. I'm happy for you, love.

Jesmond,
Where you at, foo? Haha, we CANNOT only see each other on Mondays and Wednesdays. This needs to stop.

Fawzi,
I miss you. Your calculator is still missing as of right now. Sorry, I fucked up.

Pitts,

I miss you too, but you don't seem to make time for me like I make time for you. I love you though. Twins, sisters, soul mates for life.

Dom,

I love being your mommy and daddy. I promise that everything will be okay.

Godfrey,

Good Life. I love us. There's room to grow.

Christine,

I hope you're truly happy! We aren't all that close, but we can relate. All my love, love.

Stephanie,
I love you, mama. Thanks for your patience and friendship for the past 6 years of being best friends. 3 more days! November 14, 2003 remember?

Blunt

To be honest, I am terrified of the day when this happiness is far out of my grasp. When what I have learned to love and what I have become accustomed to are simply distant memories. It takes me a long time to find happiness, genuine happiness, that is here to stay because by the time I realize that what I have found is what I’ve been looking for, it strays. I’m terrified of finding myself alone in the dark, loving no one but myself. Of waking up hugging a stiff, cold pillow rather than the warm body of my soul mate, my male counter part, my other half. I’m terrified of going through a long, hard day of work without someone to help ease my stress at the end of the day. Without my very own drug to ease the pain, my very own Tylenol. I’m terrified of finding myself walking around the park not holding on to anything but the breeze that so quickly is in between my fingers and sooner than I know it, out of reach again. I am terrified of getting used to staying home again. Getting used to keeping to myself, being by myself. In solitude. I’m terrified of no longer thinking of cute surprises and future plans for us. Of knowing that there is no longer a ‘future’. Of knowing that there is no longer ‘us’. I am terrified of realizing that the “I love you’s” that we so shyly uttered in silence have become silenced. For good. I am terrified of losing this damn feeling. This feeling of belonging, this feeling of acceptance, of companionship, of support, of comfort, of security—things I never find so easily.

And when you take a huge step back to look at the relationship you have, the relationship you’re going to have, the relationship you want… this is what you see. You allow yourself to acknowledge all the things you don’t want to lose. You see the things you want and don’t want. You see what you will and will not have when the love is gone. You see what you will lose if you loosen that grip, don’t try hard enough, love a little less.

My bad, did I get my thought vomit all over you?

October Memory No. 24-30

#24: Work and Brother Hans' going away party; Didn't see B
#25: g-frey's basketball game, Cabazon w/ Gozos'! First time in Burberry, Coach, Gucci, etc. (lololol) Thanks Tita and Tito
#26: School, work, g-frey's
#27: Work, g-frey's? Eh, I don't remember
#28: School, work, home
#29: Stayed home w/baby; college apps and nappy naps, work, terrible fucking headache of doom, baby's, Yosh, then home
#30: O Hallow's Eve; Work, pick up broski, then g-frey for the rest of the day!

Sorry to Val Baby and Andrew Choe for not being able to pull through with our plans because I got called in for work. Next time, praaamise!

So I have a lot on my mind, but I'm having writer's block.
I think I'm going to go grab a Caramel Freeze from Kelly's now! Nom nom nom.

Nothing seems to effect me anymore--negativity and other sad shit. Pre-menstrual, menstrual, and post-menstrual syndromes, however, are inevitable for me. Hahaha -__-
I'm happy and I don't give a fuck 'bout all that other bullshit.

OH and YAY for boot, scarf, beret, leather jacket, and leather leggings season! Aaooow!