Wrote this and saved it as a draft a couple months ago:
"Let me ask though, what did you learn from your past exes?"
"Well that was an interesting question!
From my first boyfriend in 6th-7th grade, who is also my current
boyfriend, I experienced my first love ... Maybe even my first
heartbreak that was pretty much on and off for a while. From Rainier, my
second boyfriend, from 7th-8th grade, I learned a lot about being a
good person, loving hard, and being faithful. I also learned that
communication is key because we lacked that and that we are better off
as friends. From my boyfriend of 3 years from HS, I learned a lot about
communication. We held on to a long distance relationship for 3 years,
only seeing each other for a couple weeks during winter and summer
vacations. I also learned to be true to be selfish for once because I
realized that I was putting my life on hold for someone who didn't want
to advance in life. He didn't go to school for the duration of our
relationship. He wanted a future with me, but our goals didn't match up.
What he wanted from me--ending up with me, marrying me, etc--could not
be done because he lacked ambition academically and vocationally. I
realized that I needed to be with someone who wanted a future with me
and who could support a future with me. He never did anything wrong.
Never did me wrong. So I had to do something I didn't want to do. It was
something I HAD to do. For myself for once. From my recent ex of 3
years, I learned a lot. I learned that YES boys will be boys. I learned
to trust my gut. I learned that it's okay to trust easily. That it's
okay to be vulnerable, BUT that it is most important to own up to it in
the end. I had to really pick myself up and leave the relationship
because it was toxic to me. At the same time, I learned to be selfish,
to take risks, to love unconditionally, to love hard, to give (even when
my efforts weren't being reciprocated--that was the toxic part), that I
needed to love myself, and that I deserved MUCH better.
At the
end of the day, I don't regret being with my exes. I'm glad that I
endured the things I endured with them because I wouldn't be who I am
right now with Lawrence. They've all had positive impacts on me as well
as a couple negative ones. It's all a big learning experience and I've
learned that I deserve what I have right now. So for my exes, I am
thankful!
And for having Lawrence, I am extremely grateful. I can not wait for what's in store for us! I look forward to learning about him and us as a couple. But most importantly, I'm excited to learn about myself because he has an insane effect on me that only I understand. It's beautiful. It's amazing. I look forward to growing with him in a way I never could have imagined. And to become the best version of us that we can be-together, because of each other. Cheers to that!"
Her thoughts are moving at such a fast pace--at a pace undetectable by radar. At a pace that causes her thoughts to be incomprehensible and incoherent. It's almost chaotic. It is chaotic. But she thinks the chaos is beautiful. That the chaos makes her human and sane. The thoughts are still racing and so is she to beat herself to the next. She's running, sprinting, racing to have some sort of control over what's going to happen next. But there's no steering wheel to turn, no remote control to press pause, no brakes to bring the racing to a halt. But this is where she's at. She's at the point where she, life, and everyone around her just races uncontrollably and blindly to the finish line. That artificial, imaginary finish line. But that isn't what she wants. She wants to see where she's going, what's ahead of her. She wants a chance to look back. A chance to reflect and soak it all in. She wants time to learn, to experience, to allow herself to feel entirely and indulge without shame. She doesn't want to wonder what's going to happen next. She doesn't want to spend her life wondering if this is where she's supposed to be, if this is who she really is, if this is what she wants. And as she catches up with these thoughts, she realizes... She's human. She's vulnerable. She needs security. She needs reassurance. She needs to let go, enjoy, indulge, and bask in all that this time is. Beautiful.
The way I miss you and everything you are and how I yearn to be with you simultaneously is a love/hate kind of thing. I love that you have that kind of effect on me, but I hate enduring the effects--missing you and yearning to be in your presence. Then, in time, I love all the steps--including those previously mentioned--that lead up to being with you again because they bring me exactly where I want to be, my favorite place. And that place is with you. With that being said, I am ready and will always be ready...
To feel all of that for you.
I used to be
so good
at expressing myself
so good
at getting my
thoughts
down on paper
so good
at feeling my feelings
so much
that they traveled
from my brain through
my hands
and onto the
computer screen
but
not
anymore
This is probably the best feeling to ever write about. Unfortunately, of course, I can not properly gather myself at the moment. I guess that is why this is "in the moment" as the title of this entry says so obviously.
I have yet to write a detailed entry about you. Why? Well, I don't know the exact answer to that. Parts of me find myself writing about you in other places in other ways, as well as talking about you to my friends and family or expressing my feelings about you to the person who needs to hear it the most, you. Maybe that's why. I feel like I get it across to you verbally and physically better than indirectly telling you through a blog, poem, or letter. However, I know I write about you because publishing it somewhere--whether it be in a notebook, on a piece of paper, or on the internet--makes it immortal. Then again, those tend to be my better works that I put a lot of effort into. That's mainly because I want it to accurately depict my feelings for you, but I do not believe that any amateur work of poetry, assembly of words in prose, or words in general, really, could ever completely convey the love I possess for you.
You are the nicest, warmest, most caring and most genuine person I know. You reciprocate. You bring out the best in me. You test me, us, and our love. You make me feel young. You make me believe. You make me want to remember. You compliment me and my life perfectly. You supply me with persistent support. You make me happy. Happier than I've ever been. You make me feel worth it. You make me want to be better. You loved me for who I was before and you love me for who I am now. You show, give, and bless me with undying love. All the time.
I hope you someday, if you haven't already, find someone who makes you feel exactly like that.
P.S. When you find that person, try not to wait 10 years to pursue him/her. If not, I'm sure things will fall into place eventually, but if you have the opportunity, save yourself a couple years and grab it while it's within reach!
P.P.S. Our first unofficial date.
"Happiness is a habit--cultivate it." Elbert Hubbard
Attention to details
admired
at their finest.
Energy expelled
carelessly
at its shortest.
Slumber deeply
entwined
at our closest.
Morning eyes
languid
at their rawest.
I'm love wasted.
Years spent apart
timidly
at our farthest.
Emotions undiscovered
unveiled
at their ripest.
Days solitary
together
thrivingat our strongest.
Souls meeting again
familiar
at their youngest.
This isn't love wasted.
I've never felt so like myself. Well, not until about two days ago. Let me explain. I find it such an interesting phenomenon when you reach the age of 22 and still aren't quite sure if you are who you want to be yet. It isn't even about being completely sure about who you are. I'm talking about just finding the foundation of the version of yourself that you want to work with. Then again who thinks about this stuff? In some ways I don't find that to be much of a surprise because I believe that the early and mid-20's are meant to be the most vital years of self discovery. During these years it's important to understand yourself and really, like really, just be yourself. This is the time when you spend a lot--and I mean A LOT--of time with your friends, family, and professional acquaintances while somehow simultaneously spending time with yourself. By "spending time with yourself", I mean spending time in your mind. By that I mean thinking, realizing, rationalizing, and analyzing if this is where you belong. And more importantly, if this is where you want to be. I'm not saying that I think I found where I belong or that I'm exactly who I want to be. No, what I'm trying to say is what I mentioned earlier. I found somewhere and someone I'm interested in being. I found someone, the person I am right now, who I'd love to continue being and to work on. That. That I think is vital.
I'm trying my hardest to organize these feelings I'm currently experiencing. They're so mixed, so jumbled, so chaotic. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Or maybe I'm just not used to having so many feelings. The past few weeks--actually, the past few months--have been amazing. That's probably an understatement, but definitely amazing, for the lack of a better word. I'm starting to think that I may have some unresolved feelings, or maybe some that haven't been explored fully. I've been harboring these feelings for a while now. This probably sounds bad, but it isn't. I guess you can say I haven't felt in a while. I've been letting myself feel apprehensive and hesitant rather than allowing myself to indulge in feelings of happiness, excitement, or love in a while. It isn't often that these types of feelings come around, so I think it's vital for me to let myself fall into all of that. No more being numb. With that being said, I'm going to let myself cry, laugh, be happy, and love. Hard. Like I never have before. And that, all of that, is okay.
Don't you hate that part? The part after talking, debating, or, the worst, arguing, where you're walking away and you suddenly think to yourself, "Fuck. I should've said that!" But then you sometimes you say the exact opposite, "Why the fuck did I say that?" But when you finally simmer down and tally up the two, you come to find that the Should'ves outweigh the Shouldn't Haves. It happens to me all the time. I hate that, but I've learned to hold my tongue so well in certain situations. I've also learned not to regret shit. Why worry about what should've been and what could now be when you have what you have? I mean should be glad to even have what you have in your possession. Surely whatever you've got wasn't easy to obtain. You're probably wondering what this is about. Well, I'll keep the names censored by using pronouns repetitively. (Even though I know it'll be easy to identify who this "she" "her" and "you" are) That's your fair warning. So I decided to discuss Thanksgiving with her. She basically flipped out as usual, claiming that blah blah blah is tradition when in reality it's only been going on about 2 years, and went on to talk shit. Talk shit. I think that's probably something I hate. A lot. Especially when it comes to my family. Why do you have to open your mouth to say selfish, empty words when you could choose not to say anything? This is where you weigh out the circumstances of the situation--you weigh out the pros and cons of what you may say, what reaction you may receive, and what the ultimate outcome will be. And may I add that you must do all of this in a split second. I guess this is where you decide whether or not to hold your tongue. I decided to hold mine because in simped to it. I don't want to place myself in a situation that I don't want to be in. Then again, I don't think the situation I'm in doesn't really benefit me either. But then again how about all those times when you threatened to take my family away from me by cancellkng my birthday, our traditional Christmas gathering and New Year's?! You don't knkw how much that hurts and how that stays with me. Family is important to me. It doesn't matter to me that my family is split in half, and that I have to travel near and far all in one day. But for you to tell me what should be important to me is another story. Yes, you are who you are to me, but who said that I can't make decisions on my own regarding my values? You threatened to take my family away fr'd understand if you told me it would be impractical to go from West Covina to Glendale, back to West Covina, and then Murrieta back to West Covina. But that isn't what you said I won't even say what you say because I think it's ridiculous. You're giving me reasons that only justify why you no longer call them family. But why do we have to suffer losing family just because of your lost relationship? None of it makes any sense to me. I looked at this from every aspect possible, but the conclusions remains the same: You're being selfish and narrow minded. If the situation was turned around, I'm sure you'd feel differently becauseur favor. Like I said, selfish and narrow minded. It's just so saddening the way you talk about our family. The saddest thing about it is that you won't change. You're set in your ways. So why did I hate that part this time? Well, I wanted to tell you that family is important to me. And I could swear you taught me that. But I guess that just goes with all the other things I'll never say.
I'm writing this as all my feelings are still rushing wildly through my veins. It's 10:43. This is intense. Too fresh. Too raw. I don't even want to read this after it's all down and posted. My heart is racing. Tachycardia at it's finest. I'm feeling so much. Maybe too much. And for some reason I'm mad at myself for letting myself feel so much right now. It's been a long time. And you're probably asking, what is this all about? And I'll tell you myself: I really, really don't know. I didn't hit rock bottom, nor did I hit a slum. Instead, I feel like my life is going somewhere.
Maybe I'm scared or something. Maybe I'm not ready. But I am ready. This is what I want ... In a sense. I mean, I never wanted to grow up so quickly. I just did it on my own. I wasn't forced. It can't be forced. I chose to grow up. And I'm now realizing why. In high school, maybe even junior high, I didn't really have a close-knit group of friends. Instead, I had various groups of friends consisting of a variety of different people with different interests. What I really had was my family. I never really went out. I never did what kids would do. I sheltered myself from everything, tucked myself away. I don't want to blame my parents for that. But I guess it was me. I never really felt like I could relate to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel like an outcast. I just felt like I was different. I'm not being narcissistic either. I'm being serious. My head was always somewhere else. It was always at home. My mind was constantly worrying. From what I remember, I was always, for the lack of a better word, anxious. That's most likely what lead me to some of my medical issues back in high school. I was always thinking about if my family was okay. I was always trying to be a good example to not only my siblings but to all the younger kids in my family. I still don't know if my efforts had any effect on them, but it was worth a try.
I guess that's what I've been getting so worked up about the past few days. I made my world revolve solely around my parents, my brother, my sister, my grandpa, and my close extended family which I'd really rather call my immediate family. I always worry about the well-being of my family. I always put them before me. Before I can do anything for myself, I do what I can for them. That's just how I've always been. Before I can even get my day started, I get myself ready so that I can get them ready. I remember in high school, I chose not to apply to any UCs and not that many CSUs. I knew that if I got accepted to a UC, I would have left. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be here for my family. Maybe I knew things were going to turn out the way they did. My parents' marriage fell out, my grandpa passed away from a short, fatal battle with cancer, my siblings gave into social norms, my relationship with someone I cared deeply about became a mess that I still rather not talk about, and my family was in a silent war of blaming. Maybe that's why I stayed. But no matter the reason, what it comes down to is that I stayed on behalf of my family. I always stay. I stay the same, I stay away, I try to stay up.
I think I'll always be this way. I'll always love hard. I'll always love deeply. I've never loved shallowly. I've never loved lightly. I don't think I'll ever start. This love I'm talking about applies to both the love I have for my family and friends as well as the love I have for my significant other. I love my brother and sister a lot. They're my world. I literally structure my day, my week, my month, my year, my life around them. And what's funny about this is that all of this is done voluntarily and consciously. My heart ached earlier today when I thought about my siblings and about where their lives are going. They're both growing up. My sister is in college now. She's driving. She's having relationships. She's enjoying life. My brother is a sophomore in high school. He's an athlete. He's a popular kid. He's being a boy. He's a good boyfriend. I love them so much. So much that I'm crying. My heart's been crying about this for a while now, but it has finally alerted my central nervous system, activated my tear ducts, and flowed out of my eyes. My heart aches thinking about the day that we have to separate and be adults. It hurts to think that we will all be living in different houses with families of our own.
My concern is that my siblings don't know what they're getting themselves into. Their mindset isn't where mine was at their ages. They don't understand responsibility, respect, and communication. I plan on doing big things within the next few years. I'm going to (not in any particular order) go back to school, build my career, move out, find "the one", make a living, go back to school again, travel, settle down, get married, have a family. I can't keep putting my life on hold when I'm ready because everyone else isn't ready. It's my time to move on with my life. It's time to loosen my grasp off of the things that kept me staying. It's time to grow up again. This time not only for me, but for my siblings too. They've chosen this lifestyle that differs greatly from mine. Though we
live under the same roof, share the same parents, come from the same
womb, we differ significantly. Everyone knows that. I hope that they soon learn how important family is. I hope that they understand my love for them and my parents' love for them. I hope that they realize that my concerns aren't me just being a bossy older sister. I hope they realize all the things I gave up so that I could be a good example to them. I hope they begin to see how much it hurts me to worry if they'll ever grow out of their habits. I hope they realize that our parents are separated, that they're getting older, that they aren't who they used to be, and that they need them more than anything. I hope they realize that I've been trying to teach them how to grow up. But growing up can't be forced. It's a choice.
So it's official; I passed Term 2! This means that 6 months have gone by, and 6 months remain before I graduate and take the NCLEX. Life feels so amazing right now. I never usually get a chance to reflect on what's happened in my life. It's weird. In some way, I guess I'm just going with the flows, not worrying about what comes and goes in my life. I haven't felt the need to dwell on things nor have I had the feeling of regret. I've learned that life is just too short to be spending it sweating the little shit and mishaps that cloud my life every once in a while. As of lately, I've been happy. Isn't it beautiful to finally find something that makes you happy? I find myself not minding the need to study. I've found myself almost indulging in those thick, hard bound books full of medical terminology and information that will guide me through my career. I've got big plans. I now realize that I have so much potential and so much passion for what I do. I will do nothing less than do it big! I can't wait to get into the field where I can touch people's lives and heal them--maybe not physically, but at least mentally. I'll be able to help others feel content with their lives and their health--I'll be able to help them come to terms with where their lives are heading. I know that things won't always be that way, but hey, what's wrong with being hopeful?
I'll update more when I have some time. I'm going out for some yogurt now!
I always used to say
"Relationships should compliment,
Instead of complicate, your life."
I always used to say
"A boyfriend should be an inspiration,
Not a distraction."
I always used to say
"You have to love yourself
Before loving anyone else."
I always used to say
"You gotta have respect for yourself
Or else no one's gonna respect you."
I used to say.
isn't healthy at this point.
Who is it we
feel sorry
for.
Is it us or
them who we
adore.
Look but only
get a quick
peak.
Like a glance
at a female's
physique.
Only the surface
is touched,
revealed.
Rest hides
deep under
shields.
To breech this
layer, we're
scared.
Not wanting secrets
to be
shared.
In the meantime
just take a
look.
But be weary, you're
not reading a
book.
Or take the road
none take for
flight.
Bear down, sink
in, take a
bite.
SO here's my current situation: I'm supposed to be writing a one page essay on the lack of a certain nutritional group in my daily diet for my nursing class, but I just can't seem to focus. One page? I know. This is ridiculous. For the past few hours, I've been thinking about my life. I'm not the type to lay out my entire personal life on the internet for the judgmental and nosy public to over-analyze, twist, and ignore. However, this right here is different. This is going to be a reflection of my life as of late and a tribute to the things and people I care about and appreciate.
I started school in mid August. And let me tell you... I fucking love it! School is my thing. Yeah, I'm a nerd and proud of it! Haha, it took me two years to realize that traditional college just wasn't working out for me. School is full-time for me now. Accelerated. Exciting. New! It feels great except for how I haven't been working very much. I seriously miss working! I miss my dope ass coworkers, making money and being able to somewhat support myself financially. BUT one year will go by like nothing and sooner or later I won't be working at the mall anymore. I can't wait! I've been doing great in school too. I have a 95% in my class overall. I've been scoring 90% and above on all my exams, completing all of my homework assignments, learning so much in Skills, and enjoying Clinicals. The love and support from my family, Godfrey, my instructors and my friends have gotten me through 1.5 months of school. I couldn't be any more thankful for these wonderful people. Without them, I'd probably end up being a patient instead of a nurse. Hahaha, half-kidding.
I believe in signs. White butterflies, your name being said on TV or by someone randomly, the smell of your cologne lingering... There have been a lot of signs lately that have been pointing to you. I've been reminded of you so much lately. It's insane. I feel insane. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I hope you're doing well. I hope wherever you're at is where you want to be. 'Till we meet again.
I've been spending a lot of time with my dad lately. There are a lot of things about my dad that I love. Like how he used to play the Jackson 5 Christmas album every year on the morning of my birthday and on the following day, Christmas. At the same time, there are also things he has done and continues to do that I will never approve of. Like many of the men I have encountered in my life, my father is a man of little to no expression of emotion and is a man who lacks proper communication. He is stoic. He's prideful. Out of me and my siblings, I'm the most withdrawn and apathetic about/towards my dad. I guess it has a lot to do with what I believed when I was growing up. I believed that my parents' relationship was ideal and nearly perfect. They seemed like soulmates, inseparable despite previous relationships and ongoing problems. But what happens once a certain point is met? When the sudden realization of the lack of reciprocated effort is just too obvious to ignore? When feelings change and love is lost? All of that brings us to where we are now. I forced myself to grow up fast and early a long time ago. I was exposed to financial, trust, and communication complications. With that, I brought myself right between my parents. I have always been their mediator, reffing fights, being the one they'd come to separately to discuss their problems with each another. I love my mother and respect that roles she has taken on since my dad left, but my dad's always stressed out about paying bills, working, and trying to see us. Like really, how am I supposed to feel when I call my dad to see how he's doing and where he's been just to hear that he always feels lonely and depressed? What daughter wants to hear that? It kills me because I'm away from him most of the time. I can't watch over him, feed him right, or make him happy anymore. He's always been fine on his own, but he's older now. He gets stressed out over everything. He gets sick more often. He gets lonely easily. That kills me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate the little time that I get to spend with him. Despite how I despised him and scolded him for the mistakes he made, and the precious hearts he broke, these random phone calls to go out for dinner have made me realize how much I miss and appreciate him. I may rarely express my feelings about him and almost never talk about him, but for the record, I care. Just like him, it's the pride.
I am a mother, father, sister, brother and best friend to my brother and sister. Trust me, I am no where near perfect in trying to accommodate any of these roles, but I never think twice about the importance of the roles I play for my brother and sister. They mean the world to me. They're kids of my own, even my mom says so. Though a lot of people think that having to take care of two teenagers and having to tend to the majority of their needs and wants is difficult and tedious, I see it as more of an honor and rewarding responsibility. I mean think about it... I get to watch these two beautiful kids grow up into responsible, hopefully happy adults. There's so much beauty in that. I have a lot of responsibilities and things on my plate on the daily, so I honestly tend to forget that I am a kid too. I'm almost 21, in nursing school, working when I can, and taking care of my family, but that doesn't mean that I always have to be a grown up. This is where my brother and sister come in. They really bring out the life in me. They keep me going. They inspire me to be a good role model for them. There aren't many things more beautiful than being inspired by someone, so I'm blessed to have that kind of relationship with them.
As fucked up as the world is, I have found so much beauty in it. I could care less for those who don't give a damn about me. I feel nothing for those who don't give me a second look. But the people who genuinely care about me, double take at me, and walk beside me... those are the people who matter to me.
I've met tons of people. Some walk in just to walk out while some check in for a permanent stay. Whether these people are temporary, intermittent or permanent, they have all impacted me in someway. I've lost a lot of people along the way for different reasons. I've met extraordinary people who care about me despite what I may put them through. I've met people who I can spill my heart and mind to without any judgment or hesitation. I've fallen in love with people and their personalities. I've been treated with kindness by the most unexpected people. I've made friends, I've made enemies. I've been done wrong and I've had my share of wrongs done. I've disliked and I've loved hard. God has blessed me with wonderful people. You know who you are.
I can't put into words how I feel.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
